This is where I would have died if I went through with suicide.. The tide was so low that I got to actually climb down and out to where I more than likely would have landed.. 4 months after, and I am so glad I didn’t do it.. I went with a close friend that had no idea, and it felt good.. I’m happy, and I’m starting something soon guys.. The big news to come shortly! 

I am still alive, and a lot stronger than I was before. I have taken time to focus on myself. I’ve only been posting on my other blog, because I’m trying to figure me out. I have lost quite a bit of weight, and I don’t really know how. I can see it in my face, and when I get dressed everything is looser.  I’m not too proud of it though, because I didn’t earn it.  I think I’m really sick. I keep breaking out in hives, because I have an unknown allergy.. I’m hoping this allergy or whatever isn’t the cause of the weight loss. I feel like death, and I don’t look healthy until I have a lot of makeup on.  I’m happy though. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I don’t let men control my happiness.  I have been reading a lot more, and writing! I’m getting there! 

So, I think there comes a time in every girls life where they feel pretty.. I think that moment for me has come for the first time. No matter how many people tell me I’m pretty or whatever it goes in one ear and right out the other faster than lightning. Well, Thursday I picked up a shift at work and relieved the hottest guy at my company from his shift. We were talking before he left and watching some csi type show. He predicted how it would end, then left. It didn’t end the way he predicted so I jokingly texted him being all you were wrong haha.. Then from there on out he kept texting me for the rest of my shift. Being all I wish I was with you right now, and you turn me on, etc. He was really drunk so that explains the turning him on part. Now me being self conscious me, because this boy is SO fine I was like your only saying this because you’re drunk.. He’s all no way, I can’t say it at work because we are working and I don’t want you to think I’m a creep. Needless to say he was like we should chill tomorrow or something, and I was totally down! I didn’t think he would actually come over, but right at 11:30 in the morning I turn around and he’s in my house. How he snuck around my roommates who also work with us I have no clue, but it was sweet! The way he looked at me while we were cuddling just made me feel so pretty, and then it hit me; I am pretty in my own awkward way. Sometimes I look 12, and other days I look 25 but no matter what I’m a good catch for anybody. So f you haterz! 

Yesterday and the day before were filled with so much family fun that I completely spaced on my daily thanks.. Whoopsies.  On Thursday I had this wonderful post about how I”m so thankful for all of my family, because they can tell by just one look that something is wrong. My grandmother is my back bone, and always knows what to say. I just hope that I have children before she dies so they can know how wonderful of a woman she is!  Yesterday I was going to write about my youngest sister Ashley, and how no matter what I’ll always be there for her. I am so thankful to have her in my life, because when she was born I found something worth living for. I had someone to prove that life is what you make it.  I took her to see the muppets yesterday, and I loveeed that time I got with her!  As for today I’m thankful for having a roof over my head. I know a lot of people are not blessed to have that.. 

Starting on thanksgiving and going until Christmas I’m going to start writing one good thing that’s happened to me, or something I’m thankful for.  It helped before make me realize life isn’t soo bad and hopefully it will help again! I’m back to feeling nothing so there’s a step in some direction! :) 

I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding.. I am colorblind. 

Have you ever found something out that just made you want to scream out at the top of your lungs.. Well that just happened to me, and I couldn’t do anything. I was at work, and my friend came up to me and said I have to get this off of my chest. Barbara (another girl we work with) told me that your sister has MS, and your mom wasn’t going to tell you.. I honestly felt like I was punched in the face.  I knew that my sister may have MS, but ever since then they’ve been really quiet about it so I didn’t think anything of it. They also found out that my sister has an advanced stage of it apparently, and it’s getting really bad.. I seriously don’t know what to do, because my client that I work with mainly has MS, and seeing my client go through all of this shit knowing that it’s going to happen to my sister is just the worst thing in the world! I just can’t believe everybody I work with knew before me.. I’m devastated. 

I have come up with a game plan to take control of my life and get rid of these nasty thoughts. I am going to first of all go back to school. I am going to enjoy my youth and stop worrying about so much shit I dont have to. Im going to start going to the gym more! I have only been talking myself into going about once every other week, and thats not ok! I havent gained any weight back, but I just feel gross! Ive started a journal where I write every shitty thing that has happened to me in my life. I’m going to burn it when it is completed, and I’m also starting another one where I write everything good that has happened in my life! I need to start counseling, but I’m not ready for that at all! I am going to need your guys support with all of this. I cant talk to my friends or family because they will have me under constant surveillance.